Last Night I slept on sheets the color of Fire

I’m a Scorpio. The sex sign. My birthday is coming up, but I’m not going to celebrate it this year. I am, however, going to take off work. I’ve never gone to school or work on my birthday.

I’m told constantly by my boyfriends that I have a high sex drive. I still like to come at least three times a day. I’m still on my eternal search for The One that can have sex with me all the time like I like it.

I love porn. I’ve always wanted to be in porn, but I never did it because I never thought I was good looking enough to be in porn. It used to be that I thought I was too skinny, now I’m too fat (at least in the waistline). I’ve decided to give up working out. It never “works out” for me (ha-ha). I don’t like exercising.

Today was a hot day and everything in California is burning up. No one here seems to care. Whether things are on fire or not, no one in LA has much of an opinion or reaction to anything. This is the like land of the walking dead, except in LA no one walks.

Back to sex now. When my parents first got a VCR, they used to rent porn a lot. When they got cable, they would sometimes order pay per view porn, but my father didn’t like it because they didn’t show everything.

I always wondered why my parents never went on vacation together. My father never took vacations and my mother always took her vacations with other people. Years later, I asked the cleaning lady, Kay, why my parents never took vacations together. She told me that they did once before I was born, but my mother said she’d never take another vacation with my father because all he wanted to do was stay in the hotel room and have sex. This shocked me. Not the sex part, but because it was Assembly of God, religious Kay who bluntly told me this. Even though she raised me, she and I had never talked about sex. The only thing I remember even close was when I was little and I would play with myself under the blanket, she’d slap away my hand.

When I asked my mother about what Kay had said, she told me that she wanted to have sex, just not with my father. She said she had to get stoned to have sex with him.

When my parents were watching porn, they’d either send me upstairs and I’d listen to the sound of the porn from the upstairs hallway or they’d send me to go play outside. I remember being 8 or 9 at the time and being told to go play outside and standing on a tall snow bank and looking though the window and watching the porn (I couldn’t hear it, just see it) and watching my parents watch the porn.

They never did pull the shades down when they watched porn, but I guess there really wasn’t much to watch (well, except the porn, of course). My father would sit against the wall in front of the TV with his left hand down his pants and my mother would lie down on the couch and read a book while glancing occasionally at the TV. She’d usually fall asleep at some point.

I was fascinated by the porn. The thing I wondered most about was if the cum shots were real. My thinking was since blood is not real in movies, why would cum be, but I also couldn’t figure out how they’d get the “fake” cum to shoot out like that.

My mother told me I could watch the porn later, if I wanted to, after they went to bed. (My favorite porn movie was called "Rick Quick: Private Dick".) My mother was one of those open moms (not really, but she thought she was). She was always too open about all the wrong things and not open at all about the things I would have liked to be open about.

This started my long love affair with porn. Now porn is everywhere. It’s a pornographic society we live in. Everyone seems to have that porno sheen about him or her. Everyone looks like they just got done shooting a porn and missed a few spots while cleaning up.

Today’s song is “Boys In The Trees” from 1978 by Carly Simon. This is a song filled with incredible imagery and captures sexual awakening quite well.

Carly Simon—Boys In The Trees

http://www.zshare.net/audio/443009541e7844

"Here I grew guilty
And no one was at fault
Frightened by the power
In every innocent thought

Last night I slept in sheets the color of fire
Tonight I lie alone again
And I curse my own desires
Sentenced first to burn and then to freeze"

Gentiles, don’t go away.

Tonight I went to a gay Jew Rosh Hashanah dinner. It was ok. I was hoping I would fit in with the gay Jews, but like usual I don’t, but who does? It’s kind of high pressure.

There are two guys I like in this group, one that I moved here for the other I went with to the Hollywood Bowl. There’s a third guy, but if I have sex with him, I’d feel stupid afterwards so I have to stay away.

Going to this dinner sure beats have Rosh Hashanah dinner with my family. My uncle (by marriage) is some kind of severe rabbi so everything takes so long. The dinner goes on and on.

The memory…the thing I was thinking about today happened when I was 13. My girlfriend, Heidi (you remember her from a previous entry) wanted to have sex, so I went to the gas station to buy some condoms. This was 20 years ago during my favorite summer, the summer of 1987. The clerk refused to sell them to me because he said I was too young. I told him he’d have to pay for the baby or the abortion as I left.

Things have changed in the last 20 years. I think now they would sell condoms to a 13 year-old. Wouldn’t they?

Heidi and I did fool around, but without the condom. Then she thought she was pregnant, but she wasn’t, she was just dramatic.

Today’s song is “Makin’ Whoopie” by the Barry Sisters, known as the Yiddish Andrew Sisters. This song is partly in Yiddish, the most romantic language ever, especially when it’s sung. Please gentiles don’t go away just because I threw a Jew thing at you. Stay with me, goyim!

http://www.zshare.net/audio/3658673ad711d2

Rendering My Lust

Today’s song is “Don’t Walk Away” by Toni Childs. It’s from a playlist on my Ipod called “The Anger is Good.” This is the first song I ever heard by Toni Childs. I saw the video playing on MTV in the fall of 1988. I had never heard anyone sing like that and I still haven’t. I love Toni. She hasn’t released an album for 13 years, but a new one is one the way next year. Check out her website at:

http://www.tonichilds.com/

I love this song because like me, it’s angry. I dedicated it to my first lover, Dave, who I met and had my first man on man sex with on my mother’s birthday in 1989. I was 15. He was 26. After some hot Google action, I was able to find out what he’s up to these days. Today he is married to some woman named Stephanie who’s some kind of city council woman or something. He’s a pianist and they both live in Roseville. I wonder if Stephanie knows about his interest in young boys. These days, Dateline would be at this door, or rather he’d be at their door.

I remember watching “Brady Bunch” reruns with Dave that day, the first sex day, and then we had sex and then Dave took me to Burger King and bought me a chicken sandwich and then I had sex with him again. That’s when I learned that men will buy you sandwiches if you have sex with them, of course that would never happen today because I’m a vegetarian.

I was in Vegas for the weekend. I had sex with four men in a 3 day period. Sex is what I need. It’s what I’ve been missing.

Something about these men…

Friday night:
This couple that I’ve known for two years from my days of living in Vegas. 3ways are fun. They weren’t my first 3way, but they are fun. The best is to be the single in the 3way. That way you get all the attention.

Saturday night:
Jew #1. Jewish men have big cocks. All of them. This guy, Seth (not his real name; his real name is Michael), is someone I’ve known for awhile now. He’s very quiet until he sticks his cock in my mouth, then he just talks and talks and talks.

Sunday afternoon:
Jew #2. Michael (not his real name; his real name is Seth) works as an executive chef at a Vegas hotel on the strip. I’ve been hot for him for a long time, but hadn’t seen him in two years. He’s certainly the second best lover I’ve ever had. He’s just my type. The only thing I don’t like is his use of the word pussy during sex. What’s that about?

Tonight I spent some time in the Vegas airport. There was an oblivious blonde girl who was in the men’s bathroom, bending over the sink and talking on her phone. She didn’t seem to know or care that she was in the men’s bathroom. It was one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen. It’s one of those things where I’d like to ask her if she knows she is in the men’s bathroom, but when I’ve asked strangers why they behave the way they do, they always act like I’m the one who’s acting strangely.

Then on the plane flying back to Burbank, one of my least favorite celebrities was on the plane: Pauly Shore. Why can’t I meet any good celebrities? He was sitting one row ahead of me and to the left, like in coach. This is making the time I saw Melanie Griffith walking down the street in West Hollywood seem amazing compared to seeing Pauly Shore.

“do I stand here waiting
for the earth to turn to dust
give up my passion
rendering my lust.”

Toni Childs--Don't Walk Away (remix)

http://www.zshare.net/audio/35863659d0f35a