Extra Extra

I missed my chance to be on national television today (well, crappy television, but still).

I registered months ago as an extra with Central Casting just for fun. Yesterday they called me for a featured extra role on “Desperate Housewives”, a show that I have never liked (although all the homos seem to LOVE this show), but it would have been fun to go and be on a network set.

I was going to be a “friend” at a baby baptism. When I finally got through to their archaic phone line, after three hours of busy signals, I listened to all the info about the job. One thing I wasn’t expecting is that you have to provide your own clothes. They wanted all the men in suits, which created a problem for me because I don’t own a suit. I’ve never owned a suit.

I called the emergency hotline and told them that I didn’t have a suit via voicemail. Someone called back and took me off the job. This morning they called me wondering where I was. I missed the call, so I called them back, but I only got a message that said “goodbye” and then hung up on me. It must be the line for the rejects that don’t show up. I did leave a message for someone there and explained that they took me off the job so that they wouldn’t think I just bailed, but no one ever got back to me, so I guess I’m banned from Central Casting. No big deal, but it would have been fun even if it was for a piece of crap like “Desperate Housewives”.

Since, as it turns out, I had the day off, I had plenty of time sit and think. This led me to thinking about how I feel out of place both here in LA and in my life. Is it weird that an almost 34 year old doesn’t own a suit? I mean, I hate suits. I look like a junior version of my father in a suit. I'm just not a suit person, but it got me thinking, well, what kind of a person am I? Are there ever areas in life where you think you should be more grown up, but then you think well, fuck it, I am who I am. I'm not a suit person.

There was only one time I wore a suit and that was for a really stupid movie I was in. In fact, it was the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I had to borrow a suit from my father for the part. I looked really stupid like some kind of midget or 12 year-old in the suit (I was 30 at the time).

When my mother would take my father shopping for suits, they’d always have to look in the corner, and bend over down by the floor to find my father’s size since he’s very short. I always wanted to be taller than my father, but I am exactly his height. We are both 5’6”. I lie and tell people that I am 5’7”. You know how men tend to add inches to everything.

The only other thing close to a suit is the 4 times I wore a tux (all rented of course). They are:

1. Oct 1989. My friend’s sister’s wedding to some fireman. Her family is rich so everything had to be perfect. The stupid marriage only lasted a few months, so that was a waste.

2. April 1996. My stepsister’s wedding in Nebraska. This was the first time I got really, really drunk. My father and me were the only Jews for miles and he had his soon to be wife to talk to, but I had no one to talk to. There was a great champagne fountain at the reception and I drank and drank. The last thing I remember is turning over the tape of music I made for the wedding (I was in charge of the music) and then stumbling into the elevator and then passing out in the hotel room. When my father came to find me hours later, I thought I had missed the wedding. Unfortunately, I had not missed much.

3. August 1997. My father’s wedding to my stepmother. They had known each for almost 30 years by this point. My step mom, whom I’ve known all my life, used to be my mother’s best friend, but for obvious reasons they are not friends anymore. My stepmother is terrified of my mother and she should be!

I was dating my first Jewish guy, but he wasn’t invited to the wedding. My great aunt (I think she was my great aunt, she was some relative that I was related to in some vague way), because she had dementia (she’s finally dead now), she kept asking me where my mother was. She followed me around asking this question many times.

This was the most narcissistic wedding ever with my 50-year old step mother wearing white without any irony and acting like it’s her first wedding, all the while my father is checked out and irrelevant as usual. It was like my stepmother was marrying herself. I’ve seen so many weddings like this.

4. September 2002. My other stepsister’s wedding. She married some weirdo with a bad last name. He’s always talking about plumbing and roofs and beavers. My stepmother was just happy that he took out his dreadlocks before the wedding. This wedding was anything but joyous, with my stepsister telling me she didn’t really want to go through with it, but everything was already paid for, so…

I went with my friend Rochelle (not her real name; her real name is Raquel) as my date. We were the hottest couple there by far. We were the only ones dancing and having any kind of fun. My family, on the other hand, always looks like they’d like to be someplace else no matter where they are.

The last three family weddings proved successful. All three couples are still together, so who am I to judge considering I’ve never had a wedding, but if I do (I’m not a wedding type) my family better come to my stupid wedding, behave, smile and shut up!

Today’s song is Aimee Mann’s Wise Up. This song was featured in the movie “Magnolia”, not one of my favorite movies (actually, I fast forwarded through most of it), but the scene where the characters sing this song is quite stunning. You can see that clip on Youtube at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsqCl2vO9xA

This is a great song to listen to when you are stuck, like me.

“It's not what you thought when you first began.”

Aimee Mann—Wise Up
http://www.zshare.net/audio/3888921b57dffb