I want to read your mind To know just what I've got in this new thing I've found

Today I went to a restaurant in Brentwood, a nice restaurant. I went there because I heard that my favorite singer in the whole world, Joni Mitchell, often eats there at 3:00. I did not find Joni there, but I did do something that I usually don’t like to do: eat alone at a restaurant. I always feel exposed when I am eating alone, but the place was peaceful and I brought a book, so I was ok.

I got a spot facing the door so I could see if Joni came in. Since it’s Labor Day, I wonder if she’s out of town or doing something special today. I hate Labor Day because I associate it with the end of summer and the beginning of school, even after all these years. Well, summer doesn’t seem to be letting up, which is fine with me. It’s 105 here in LA today. I don’t have a/c, but I don’t care. It sure beats it being cold and having it below zero.

I wasn’t going to talk to Joni if she was there. I might smile in her direction, but that’s it. It’s weird how when you meet someone famous that you are inspired by, you expect her to recognize you, but of course, she won’t. She doesn’t even know you. She’s never heard of you, but you know everything about her music at least. What would I say to her? I’d probably ask her questions about specific songs and also tell her our similarities: we are both Scorpios (she’s almost exactly 30 years older than me), we are both only children, our initials are JM and we both grew up in the cold and longed to get away from. We both did when we moved to LA.

You’d think the song I post today would be a Joni song, but not yet. Today I am going to post a song I rediscovered this year, even though it’s 20 years old. It’s the Bruce Springsteen song “Brilliant Disguise”, a song I never liked until this year. It’s the most beautifully paranoid love song ever.

This song became a favorite of mine from an experience I had with one of the first friends I made in LA. I kind of moved here for him, but he doesn’t know that. I think I waited too long and now we are just friends. I’d really like to have sex with him though. This preoccupies my mind quite a bit.

After months of wondering if he was interested in me and many awkward moments, I realized he didn’t really want me in that way. (although secretly I never give up hope). Brilliant Disguise is sort of about that, about not feeling worthy of love and wondering if the one you love is sincere in his love, that sort of thing.

This song came back to me yesterday when I went out with a new friend. I met this guy at a friend’s party and became interested in him. I went to the Hollywood Bowl with him yesterday. It was supposed to be three of us, but the other guy dropped out because of the weather, so it was just David (not his real name; His real name is Dave) and I.

I’m very attracted to him, but I have no idea if he is attracted to me. I think not, I guess. Ever since my breakup with Jefferson (not his real name; his real name is Jackson), I’ve wondered if anyone really is attracted to me. Actually that’s not true. I’ve wondered if anyone will ever like me once he gets to know me. I fear I may be too abnormal for Dave.

I’ve been told my sex drive is too high. There is only one lover I’ve ever had with whom I couldn’t keep up, the rest could never keep up with me. It takes so much to get sex, all the talking, all that looking for parking, all that crap. I’m looking for a man who wants to do it with me all the time. Most men change their locks on me, so it never does last.

A Chinese proverb says:
“When you don’t know where you are going, go by a way you don’t know.”

This is good advice since I am lost.

Here is Brilliant Disguise

http://www.zshare.net/audio/346298493e2213

“Now look at me baby
struggling to do everything right
And then it all falls apart

Tonight our bed is cold
I'm lost in the darkness of our love
God have mercy on the man
Who doubts what he's sure of”