The mother, and the matador, the mystic, all were here before

Penitent:
Feeling or expressing remorse for misdeeds.

I started listening to Suzanne Vega 20 years ago this summer. The summer of 1987 was my favorite summer ever. It’s the time I had my first sort of sex with my girlfriend Heidi (not her real name; her real name is Maria) this was before I turned gay and Heidi turned into a prostitute and then a lesbian and then a lesbian prostitute. Now she’s married to a man who used to be a woman, but always looked like a man to me. Me, I’m not married.

Suzanne Vega only releases an album every once in awhile when she’s got something to say. I’m trying this new policy of being concise with my words instead of just talking talking talking. I’ve mastered this in my scripts years ago. I make the characters concise because what is meant is not always fully contained in words. People don’t usually say what they mean. I like Suzanne’s lyrics because there is a certain clarity and economy to them. She doesn’t waste time.

This track, “Penitent” is off her amazing 2001 album “Songs in Grey & Red”. This album is a divorce album, but it can apply to anything that seems lost or broken or stuck. It’s an album that for me I liked in the beginning in a casual way and over the years I’ve grown to love this album and refer to it all the time. Suzanne just released her latest album called “Beauty & Crime”. I like it, but I know in time I will grow to love it like I do with all Suzanne albums.

Suzanne Vega changed the kind of music I was listening to at the time when I was 13. Up to that point, I mostly was into what was on the radio, which was fun back then (Madonna, the 80s, the sort of thing when the pop music was fun and not just music that was sampled with someone talking all throughout it). I wanted to hear something deeper and Suzanne Vega was just what I needed. Listening to Suzanne Vega led to Tracy Chapman, Toni Childs and Joni Mitchell.

This song, Penitent, is how I’ve felt for a long time now.

Here is the song:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/4346549d693ffa

The lyrics:

1. once I stood alone so proud
held myself above the crowd
now i am low on the ground.

from here i look around to see
what avenues belong to me
I can't tell what I've found.

*now what would You have me do
i ask you please?
I wait to hear.

2. the mother, and the matador,
the mystic, all were here before,
like me, to stare You down.

you appear without a face,
disappear, but leave your trace,
i feel your unseen frown.

*now what would you have me do
I ask you please?
i wait to hear
your voice,
the word,
you say.
i wait to see your sign
would i
obey?

3. I look for you in heathered moor,
the desert, and the ocean floor
how low does one heart go.

looking for your fingerprints
i find them in coincidence,
and make my faith to grow.

4. forgive me all my blindnesses
my weakness and unkindnesses
as yet unbending still.

struggling so hard to see
my fist against eternity
and will you break my will?

*now what would you have me do
i ask you please?
i wait to hear
your voice,
the word
you say
i wait to see your sign could i obey?