The Secret Marriage or Why I Smacked Shaniqua Fontaine

Something came back to me today. I worked all day and by all day I mean from 11AM-2PM. I don’t know how I get through the day!

I was thinking about the time I hit Shaniqua Fontaine(not her real name; her real name is Prudence Johnston). She was my best little friend from across the street when I was growing up in the boring suburb of Minnetonka, Minnesota. She was my friend publicly until Kindergarten, when to my surprise, she pretended not to know me at school, but then she would be my friend secretly when we were in our neighborhood, behind closed doors. (Like a lot of lovers I’ve had.) Eventually I was semi-banned from seeing her because I always got her alone to play doctor, which her parents did not like. My parents, on the other hand didn’t seem to care if played doctor with Shaniqua or any of the neighbor kids.

One day Shaniqua wanted to have more orange juice, but she had finished the orange juice that was open and wanted to open a new carton of orange juice. I told her not to, that we’d have to ask my father if this was ok. I told her my father was in the bathroom, but we’d have to wait until he was out to ask him if we could open the orange juice.

Shaniqua decided she wanted to go and ask my father before he got out of the bathroom. I told her that the rule was not to speak to my father when he was in the bathroom, along with the rule of not opening anything new unless I asked him first. Shaniqua didn’t understand this rule, so she went up the stairs to my father’s bedroom with the intention to ask him about opening the orange juice. I tried to stop her, to tell her that she couldn’t go up there and talk to him while he was in the bathroom, but she wouldn’t listen. I pleaded with her to stop, but she didn’t, so I did the only thing I could do, I smacked her.

I remember that shocked look on her face once she regained her balance and got up off the floor. She ran away from me and out the door. This did prevent her from talking to my father in the bathroom so I figured I had done the right thing.

Later my mother told me that Shaniqua’s mother had talked to her about how I hit Shaniqua. My mother said I had to go over and apologize to Shaniqua. I went over to Shaniqua’s house all the way across the street in the rain and I apologized to her in front of her mother. I began to cry as I apologized, like I always do when I apologize. Shaniqua never really forgave me, which is the usual case when I apologize to someone. Minnesotans really like to rip your guts out by holding a grudge.

Years later, after her mother had died the day before her wedding (I was invited to her mother’s funeral, but not the wedding), Shaniqua would get drunk and call me from St. Michael, Minnesota where she lived with her husband. She would tell me how unhappy she was and how she longed for her childhood days with me on our street, Crown Drive. I tried to listen, but being the Minnesotan I am, I never really forgave her for not forgiving me, so I changed my phone number (not only because of Shaniqua, but also to stop the harassing phone calls from rude bill collectors).

Today’s song is “The Secret Marriage” by Sting. This short little song is from my favorite year 1987. I want to get married (or whatever it is the homos do at this point) but I think I’m too weird for anyone to stick around, so I’d rather get lost in songs like this one. Shaniqua and I had a secret marriage in a way, until I changed my phone number. I’ve been involved in a lot of secret marriages.

Secret Marriage by Sting:

http://www.zshare.net/audio/34985967bca1e8